Posted by Moriah Heintzelman on August 21, 2013
Dearest 13 year old Me,
You want so badly to be brave, but you don't think you are. Instead, you believe that crying means weakness and guard yourself from others to hide from the feelings of insecurity, embarrassment, and frustration. Here, where you come to the point of realizing how poor and needy you are, is where you will begin the journey of believing that you are brave.
No, you won’t ever like fruit punch, Nesquick, Jello, being touched in spots that needles go, the smell of anesthesia, or the look of medical equipment. You will have to encounter these often and will decide down deep in your soul that you will not be overcome. You will make bracelets to raise awareness that almost all the girls in your high school will wear, and will raise 5,000 dollars for research. You will run a half marathon. You will graduate Summa Cum Laude. You will be a teacher. You will have overwhelming support from people you love you.
Having Crohn’s is messy, difficult, sad, angry, emotional, unjust, and terrifying. You will feel many of these things. It will be hard because it is these feelings that will betray you and cause the traumatic events to be seared in your memory. I’d like you to fight to control your mind, to shut the door on unhelpful memories, and to continue to move forward. Your feelings are valid but they are not the only truth. They are not who you are. Who you are is loved.
At the end of the day you will face challenges, and on top of that you will have to battle Crohn’s. I bet you wish you could catch a break. You feel trapped inside your own body that doesn't quite work right; that may be the hardest part of all.
This is the part where you remember you are braver than you think.